Monday, January 14, 2008

MINING FOR GOLD

So I am sitting in my doctor’s waiting room reading a back issue of Glamour Magazine Magazine the other day (REAL MEN READ GLAMOUR!). I am skimming through it and I came to this article about this lady name Jennifer Binder. She was talking about her thoughts and experiences in having dated the “ultimate big shot”, disgraced former Enron big wig, Jeff Skilling, who has been convicted of numerous crimes related to the Enron collapse and is currently serving a 24-year, 4-month prison sentence at the Federal Correctional Institution, Waseca in Waseca, Minnesota.

I was reading the article and was trying to figure out whether she was serious or “tounge in cheek” as I couldn’t imagine someone would “out themselves” as having some of the most blatant” financial motives I have ever seen while trying to call it something else. Since I have been able to successfully decipher this article to its’s true meaning, I am now going to translate it for everyone by outlining what she says and giving my “take” as to what she REALLY meant to say:

1. “Jeff did indeed fly me to England for our first date; later he bought me jewlery and even helped with the down-payment on my house. 

TRANSLATION: My profession is a professional “gold-digger” I would not even look at you twice unless you had the “Gulfstream” waiting to whisk me off to an exoctic location that went over one oecean or the other before we landed.

2. “that(the money) really blinded me to the age difference……..”

TRANLATION: Professional Gold Diggers have no age requirements. If you are 90 years old and still breathing, Im all yours if that Gulfstream is fueled and ready.

3. “Greed is not good for a relationship” 

TRANSLATION:

Lots of money will kill a relationship if you no longer have it.

4. “If it seems like he has something to hide, he has something to hide”

TRANSLATION:

If you pay for my condo, Seed my bank account , buy my Lexus, fly me to London every week for dinner, I dont care if you are hiding eight ex-wifes, five illegitimate children and you are a registered sex offender.

5. “When friends dont have anything nice to say about your boyfriend, listen”

TRANSLATION: If he is doing all of the above, WHO NEED FRIENDS!

6. “You really can learn from every experience”

TRANSLATION: When you have your next billionaire ‘”mark” in your sites, be sure to ask if he is about to be indicted for anything and if the answer is yes, get as many assets as possible including the jet, transferred to your name before he goes to jail!

I knew these were the things Jennifer was REALLY trying to tell you so I thought I would be a good guy and help her out



Posted by bcuban at 13:54:52 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Sunday, January 13, 2008

SPELLING IS OVERRATED!

SPELLING IS OVERRATED! 


I have taken more grief on one particular issue more than any subject I have written on. I even ran into some people in NYC recently who read my blog and commented on my lack of spelling etiquette which is was a nice way of saying that I can’t spell worth a shit. I was really feeling pretty “low rent” in my grammatical efforts and was contemplating various types of therapy to get over the feelings of “spelling inadequacy”.  Just when I was about to end it all , I saw something that pulled me out of  the doldrums and restored my faith in humanity and human nature in general. I was perusing the November edition of Marie Claire magazine. (Yes, real men read Marie Claire as well as Glamour!)  The following story headline was prominently displayed:
 
The Million-Dollar Question” … the byline under the title reads as follows:  “We’re better educated, better read, and better at launching a business.  So why, when it comes to managing money, do women lag behind?  Serial debter(sic) Meghan Daum explains the complex state of women and wealth.” 
 
Being an attorney and holding numerous credit cards, I am very familiar with the term “debtor”   In legal circles and the many threatening letters from these credit card combines, it has always been spelled DEBTOR!  I looked at their spelling and immediately was of the opinion that there was a spelling I was unaware of. I MEAN, THIS MAGAZINE HAS PEOPLE GETTING PAID SUBSTANTIAL BANK TO CHECK THESE THINGS!   At least I have an excuse. I am getting no benefit other than the joy of writing and the interaction with everyone who reads what I write. I absolutely agree that this should be enough in itself to motivate me to do better in my spelling and I have vowed to be diligent in this regard out of respect for myself and those who take the time out of their day to read my ranting.
 
MARIE CLAIRE IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT MATTER!  They are ruled by the almighty dollar and to have such a blatant misspelling on such a mainstream word (especially to those of us who owe) has to be an incredible embarrassment that registers 9.0 on the I f****k up Richter Scale! I mean when your whole product consists of the written word, someone is going from senior editor to copy boy on that one!
 
I decide to help Marie Claire out and prove that someone there knew some esoteric definition of “debtor” that the legal profession had overlooked. I went to: http://www.m-w.com/ which is the Miriam Webster website. I typed in “debtor” and “debter.”  I have very bad new for the former editor and new copy boy at Marie Claire. Only the “o” version exists according to Miriam Webster.
 
 I guess it is possible that the word “debter” was being used in the great tradition of France given the origins of the magazine. I however took the liberty of  using an online French-English and English-French Dictionary and could find no analogous use of the word in French. Note to the former editor and now proud new copyboy- those buying the magazine here inDallas, Texas and Pittsburgh, Pa and just about everywhere else BUT maybe NYC are probably expecting to read words that explemplify the great literary concepts and traditions of the good old U.S of A! I for one do not possess dual citizenchip and and have enough trouble translating English on a a daily basis.
 
Now every time I get a comment or a message lambasting me for my admittedly haphazard spelling, I will think of Marie Claire’s new copyboy and strive to do better(not bettor)!
 
IF ANYONE FINDS THE WORD “DEBTER” ANYWHERE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE LET ME KNOW AND I WILL SEE THAT THE COPYBOY GETS HIS/HER JOB BACK.


 

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