Thursday, January 17, 2008

LIVING OUTSIDE THE THREE POINT LINE

Life imitates art. Basketball imitates life. If you don’t believe me, put on your high-tops any weekend and step onto the hardwood court of Dallas, Texas nightlife where an entire basketball season is played out on any given night. There are no points for second place. The winners hit nothing but net while the losers head home alone and whine the next morning about how they gave their best….. The only way you can only get a “clear path to the basket” view of all this is if you are living outside the three point line…… 

So the other night I am standing outside the line watching to games , the game of basketball as the Mavericks handily beat the opponent and the often just as competitive and more interesting to watch game of life as I stared in awe as a baseline spectator of the same game all over again on a different court, different players, different rules and the winners and loser some times much more subtle than the fourth quarter sore or determining the defensive or offensive set….. 

To watch this game I had to “re-learn all I knew about basketball and how it applied to the Dallas Nightlife scene. Once I had finished learning the rules and different offensive (sometimes very offensive!) and defensive sets, a night out in Dallas became more entertaining than watching the NBA Finals. 

In order to see what I saw and know what I know you have to have a basic understanding of basketball “terminology” as it applies to Dallas nightlife. Once you have this understanding you will never look at a bar or nightclub again in the same light. Here are some of the terms you need to understand. My apologies to you basketball junkies to whom this is insultingly redundant: 

1. “Palming” The act of adjusting your crotch in a nightclub right in front of your buddy/wingman and the hot girl you are talking to….. this is a change in possession foul and you must now transfer possession of the hot girl to your buddy….. 

2. “Slam-dunk” The last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am…….. 

3. “ Full Court Press “ Within 15 minutes of meeting a girl in a bar, you have given her your number, certified financial statement, recent HIV test(must be less than 30 days old) , two round trip tickets to vegas for the next day(she can even take her best friend instead of you) and you have flowers sent to the girl while still in the bar. You get them from the all night flower store at the local hospital…..

4. ”Flagrant Foul” At the very moment the hottest girl in the bar is handing you’re her telephone number, your best buddy picks his nose and eats it in front of both of you…..This is a “two shot” foul and you keep the ball. Your buddy must buy you two shots of any drink rink you choose for you and any girl you want the rest of the night. 

5. “Double-Double” You figure it out…….. 

6. “Triple Double” “YOU DA MAN!!! 

7. ” Fast Break” You have not even valet’d the car yet and your buddy is coming out of the nightclub, hot girl in hand……

8. “Traveling” You live in Dallas….. She lives in Fort Worth…. This is a change in possession foul if your buddy doesn’t care where she lives…….

9. “Double Dribble” You forget to tie your shoes. Just as you are about to hand your girl her drink, you trip and spill both drinks on your girl. This is a change in possession foul as your buddy calls you a clumsy idiot stating that he would never be so stupid…..She agrees…………

10. Back Court Violation” Your whole possee is in the club, drink in hand when you realize your driver was denied entrance because he wore tennis shoes……. 

11. “Alley Oop” Your buddy hands off to you that last drunk girl in the bar at 2 am. You are hoping to convert to a “slam dunk” 

12. “Moving Screen” Your buddy is not getting near that girl, she is going home with you! 

13. “Blocking Foul” Right when the hottest girl in the club is handing you’re her phone number and your buddy comes up and says he found your wedding ring on the floor….. 

14. “Offensive Foul” You had Italian for dinner. Your about to kiss your girl good night on the cheek (because you’re a gentlemen) when you burp and a piece of spaghetti lands on her cheek. 

15. “Loose Ball Foul” No clean underwear and an unknown hole tear in your pants…….. 

16. “Technical Foul” She told you she was 21……. This is a ejection from game foul and a minimum one game suspension to be spent in a 4 by 6 with bars……. 

17. “Offensive Rebound” It’s not your fault your buddy cant close………. 

18. “Tip Off” You spy something suspiciously looking like an “adams apple” on the hot “girl” you are talking to…….. 

19. “Two Minute Warning” Its last call, you struck out. your driver has left and you have no cab fare…… 




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Sunday, October 21, 2007

DONALD TRUMP VALET INC!

100 dollars is a lot of money to me as I am sure it is to most people.  How often is it that you go out either in day-to-day life or even out on the town and actually have 100 dollars cash or more in your pocket? Probably not to often.

 

If you’re like me you have a few bucks and your trusty credit card.  Why would you need that much cash on you? (Unless you don’t have a credit card or plan on doing something illegal with it……….)

 

 So lets say youdon’t have a credit card, lost it or whatever. You put a 100 dollar bill inyour pockets and hit the town in the Big D. Lets see you what you can do and cant do.

 

1.    You can take your date or buddy to the Dallas Mavericks game with parking and hot dogs. No you wont be sitting courtside but the upper level seats have great views and are a lot of fun!

2.    You can catch a Southwest flight to Austin and have enough left over to party on Sixth Street. Of course you will have to hitchhike back…

3.    You can go to a sports bar and get trashed watching a Dallas Stars game. You can’t get two of their seats for 100 bucks, park and also eat…I’m not even sure you can get two of their seats…

4.    You can buy two and ½ girls a drink with tip at GhostBar.  What’s the point, you’re notgoing to be able to get them drunk…

5.    If your like me you can go to Best Buy and purchase the last three seasons of Sex In The City and watch them all back to back over the course of the weekend. That will cost you just under 90 dollars. You have 10 dollars left for a premium bottle of MD 20/20.

 

Lets talk about the one thing youcannot do in parts of Dallas for less than 100 dollars… What’s your guess?

 

 

The answer is………… VALET PARK!  You heard me right.  In Victory Park(home of the Dallas Mavericks although they have their own reasonable parking) if it is an event night at the American Airlines Center and you want to hit the bars in the areas, the prime curbside valet will cost you ONE HUDNRED DOLLARS! I couldn’t believe it!  100 DOLLARS TO VALET PARK IN DALLAS, TEXAS! 

 

Now I have been known to become mentally divergent when I am off my medication so I had to blink my eyes a few times to be sure I was not in my alternate “LA Rock Star” world…

 

Did I pay? NOPE!  I SHOWED THEM!  I drove to the market, bought a 6dollar six pack, went home and filled out my application for  the next season of  Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice” If some guy in Dallas can convince someone to pay 100 dollars to valet their car,Donald may not be such an idiot after all……….

 

 

 

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