Once again, the premise that attorneys have no sense of humor is proven. This time by a Houston attorney named, Mark Bennett who took some shots at me in his Criminal Defense Blog. It is ironic that I would argue that failure to service and/or communicate with the client is the most excusable in the criminal defense arena where it is about immediate results against huge consequences for a bad one…. If Mark gets me off on a murder rap, I certainly would overlook no returned calls…..
I must have really struck a nerve down there with my “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT BLOG or maybe it was my criticism of Rusty Hardin. Other than my comments about Rusty, (which I am sure he read and was traumatized to no end) I went back and looked at the ‘SHIT BLOG”. Maybe I was off base and should clarify, quantify, rectify and every other “fy” out there……. It really does not matter does it…? I am sure than obviously making Mr. Bennett uncomfortable, my little read thoughts will not have much effect on the states of attorney-client service in the State of Texas
I however I frankly think I am in a better position to opine on the subject than the Mark Bennetts of the world…. Why do you say? I say this because I can be more objective in that I am not beholding to any special interests…… What special interests do you ask? The largest legal special interest out there that 90 percent of attorney’s rely on to get their business…….. Other attorneys.
There is a warm blanket of honesty attached with not needing referral business as I am sure Mr. Bennett does……
Time to go get my bicycle hose out of the closet. Need to “self’ inflate” my reputation value….. I have no doubt Mr. Bennett uses one of those electric heavy duty ones to deal with his ego……
(WASHINGTON) CNN has learned that President George W. Bush has will soon announce what he terms a “historic news conference” of what his press secretary terms an announcement of unprecedented scientific and political significance. While the administration has been tightlipped on any further details, CNN has been able to obtain certain key details which are admittedly both stunning in frightening in their national and world significance. CNN has learned that an announcement will be made that the question of whether we are alone in the universe may have been answered and in this answer is a significant national and world security threat. President Bush is considering a complete recall of the National Guard from the Middle East as well as reinstating the draft to deal with this threat.
It appears that for the past 3 years there have been breaches of United States airspace by extra-terrestrial crafts which have deposited millions of undetected “pods” hidden in rural farm fields and uninhabited terrain in both the United States, Canada. It appears that after a three week “gestation” period, these pods have hatched humanoid creatures which the Bush administration as termed “OBOMAROIDS”……….
CNN has learned that these “OBAMAROIDS” when fully developed appear completely human to the naked eye and communicate both verbally, telepathically and have mind control capabilities. The presence of these OBAMAROIDS was first detected through a mysterious signal that seemed to be emanating from all OBAMA GIRLS on YouTube. A team of decryption specialists at MIT has been able to determine that the source of the signal is a previously undetected satellite of unknown origin orbiting the earth. While the meaning of much of the signal is still unknown, it has been determined that part of the signals transmits the message “OBAMA RULES……… “It has also been determining though brain scans that there is a definite mind control component to the signal. It is unknown how long this signals has been transmitted and how many people have been infected by it………
CNN has also learned that THE OBAMA GIRLS have been detained by the FBI and are being held in a specially fortified holding cell in Guantanamo Bay. This cell is designed to prevent any type of signals going in or out…..
Scientists from all over the world have alleged come together in a secret location at AREA 51 in New Mexico to hopefully determine the extent of the invasion and whether the signal has affected the internet……
CNN has also learned that specially designed sunglasses are being developed that would be able to spot these OBAMAROIDS in their alien form. One MIT scientists speaking anonymously due to national security concerns stated when seen in their alien form , these OBMAROIDS where ugly, “lizard like” creatures……
Presidential Candidate Barack Obama was unavailable for comment……
Stay tuned for part 2 of this special CNN special report entitled ATTACK OF THE OBAMAROIDS……..
(CNN)The mayor of Tampa Florida has officially notified the International Olympic Committee that they will be submitting a formal proposal for new sport to be included at the 2012 Summer Olympics in London. When asked for comment, city officials stated that they hoped their new sport would be included in future games for generations to come. They however were mum on the specifics as the formal proposal had not been submitted.
CNN investigative reporters however were able to get a copy of the proposal. We have learned that the new sport is called the “quad dump”.
The basics of the sport were first developed by the deputy sheriffs at the Hillsborough County Jail by practicing on wheel chair confined prisoners after self review of video capturing deputy sheriffs twice in one month dumping helpless prisoners out of their wheel chair onto the floor.
Mayor Pam Iorio felt there was a certain combination of art and strength needed to effectuate a successful “quad dump” and therefore should be classified as a sport.
When asked for his opinion, Hillsborough County Sheriff David Gee smiled and stated “ we have taken the art of “the dump” to a whole new level.” Our deputy sheriffs are visiting jails all over the state asking for wheel chair confined inmates to volunteer for “quad dump practice” in exchange for a free pack of cigarettes. He went on to confidently state that they would be ready should the new sport be approved. More to follow………
Lapine, the author of “The Sneaky Chef: Simple Strategies for Hiding Healthy Foods in Kids’ Favorite Meals,” accused Seinfeld’s wife of plagiarizing her cookbook. Jessica Seinfeld’s “Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food” was published in October; Lapine’s book was published in April.
The publisher had rejected a book by Lapine but published a book by Seinfeld on the same subject.
Jerry being the comedian that he is, had his next routine laid out like red carpet…… On a nationally televised talk show appearance he called Ms. Lapine a crackpot and compared her to the killers of John Lennon and Martin Luther King…. I didn’t know Jerry was such a historian…..
Jerry has moved to dismiss slander/defamation claim stating that it was “in jest” only and could not be taken seriously by anyone… If he is talking about Lindsay Lohan, he is making a good point but we are talking about a private individual’s cookbook… Much different standard….
My take…. Jerry has some problems. There is no way the slander case is being dismissed. Jerry may be a comedian but when you take his comments in the overall light of the manner they were intended, a jury could easily find them defamatory….. While it is not spelled out in the Constitution, one right private citizens have as compared to celebrities is the right not to be insulted on national television.
He can run his comedian defense out there all he wants but if I am on the jury, I say that comedy was not the motive behind the statements……
Ms. Lapine is not a public figure who are generally easy fodder for jokes as the standard for defamation is much higher. If it is Lindsay Lohan you can pretty much say anything you want about her as long you don’t accuse her of giving you and STD. (unless of course its true)
You heard it here first that Jerry will pay out on this lawsuit……
Lesson to Jerry…… When you are on national television, talk shit about Paris Hilton and Lindsey Lohan but leave happy home-maker alone……
There are however many of the Jewish faith that play basketball. Are there any Jews even currently playing in the NBA? (David Stern doesn’t count)
I am going to stereotype my own and guess that David Blumenthal of the Sacramento Kings is Jewish but overall all it appears we are much more adept at owning sports franchises than playing for them…….
You are certainly not going to see too many conservative or orthodox Jews playing in professional sports. If the guy sucks it’s no big deal but if he is any good and observant, he is not going to be that amenable to helping the team out from sunset Friday to sunset Saturday…….
Moral, if you are going to recruit a Jew, be sure he/she is a reform or have your designated gentile for play those big Friday night and sat games……
It is actually not all that uncommon to read about Jews missing big weekend games due to observance of the Sabbath and there is often controversy. You have the competing interests of the schools, fans, teammates all of which put an enormous amount of pressure on those with strong religious convictions….
I actually found just this subject discussed on the website ABOUT.COM. The question was whether Conservative Jews can participate in sports on the Sabbath. Here was the answer give by Rabbi Barry Dove Lerner:
“Thanks for writing. First, I encourage you to speak with your Rabbi about this matter and other matters of Jewish law.
Please understand that I share your own sense of the importance of sports. In high school and college I participated in sports and I am still - to the best of my knowledge - the only Rabbi ordained in North America to have held a national championship and record in a NCAA sport - archery! And I taught archery at Camps Ramah for seven years to literally hundreds of campers of all ages. I encourage the children to both get involved with their school teams AND to respect Jewish holidays and Shabbat. So I share your enthusiasm for the self-discipline, the physical fitness, etc. that sports participation can bring one……………………………..
However, please understand that Conservative Judaism as such will not invalidate Shabbat and Jewish law simply to facilitate our wants and desires. Family activities are wonderful, but I would start now to begin to offer alternatives before the real confrontation between parents and children might arise.
Lastly, once again, turn to your Rabbi for advice and guidance on what is and what is not appropriate for your children within the community programs.”
Ah yes, that ticket to the future for all Jewish athletes, .ARCHERY! There is your answer, excel in archery and the Sabbath is yours! You can pretty much put an arrow in something any day of the week so why sweat the weekend…… He talks about offering alternatives to your children…. The next Jewish Pele?
As The Good Book Says….. ” Tis better to own to than to dribble………”
I think I need to pull out my Fiddler On The Roof dvd to get some guidance from Tevye on this….
SO LET IT BE WRITTEN, SO LET IT BE DONE………..
How do I know this battle to be fought? It will be fought because there are more law students than lawyers in this country.
The next battle will be the class action litgation against HD DVD player manufacturers.
The first cannon shot has already been fired by Toshiba with their statement that there will be no refunds offered to those who have purchased soon to be obsolete HD DVD players. No rebates towards purchase of other products, zippo, zilch, nada…… Just a caveat emptor right in the kiester!
I can not think of a quicker way to get sued than telling your customers with legitimate complaints to F***k off……
Nothing new here though. Without short sighted companies like Toshiba there would be no need for McDonalds coffee case taking Democrat plaintiff’s attorneys. The whole legal system would collapse……
So let it be written…. So let it be done……
I’m sorry! I didn’t mean it! I have received numerous nasty emails from indignant attorneys irritated at my impugning the integrity of the legal profession in my “I Don’t Give A Shit Blog” The number of responses in itself is amazing. The last time I checked my stats, only about 30 people had been to the page. The bad word has always traveled faster than the good word….
There was one particular response by criminal defense attorney Stephen Gustitus in his blog, The Defense Perspective: Client Communications. In the blog he states that I must not have many clients…. The logic of that was lost on me. Was he saying that he has so many clients that he doesn’t return their calls or god forbid “he doesn’t give a shit?” It would have made more sense if he had said I must not have many friends in the legal profession…..
In any event, you are right Stephen. I don’t have many clients. I am like Tom Hagan, the character played by Robert Duvall in The Godfather…. Right before he gave that big shot Hollywood producer a “horse head nighty” he told him that he had a “special practice” where he only handled one client. I guess that is kind of like me. Hagan lived through all the Godfathers so I guess I will have a long career. That is not to say I am comparing my brother Mark Cuban to Michael Corelone. God forbid he would decide I was more like Fredo and have me whacked while I was floating in a giant rubber ducky in his swimming pool. Unlike Fredo however, I would not be saying any hail Marys since I am Jewish. I have no idea what the Jewish equivalent is
My phone is ringing. It is probably my only client. I had better answer it before I have a VERY special practice of none…..
I can across a post on a very well respected legal marketing blog.
www.legalmarketingblog.com
The title of the blog was “How Convenient is it for Clients and Prospects to Reach You?”. The blog makes the common sense point that in pretty much any profession, the easier you are for your clients to access you the more goodwill you build resulting in greater client retention and referrals. Makes good sense right? Of course right!
What I found humorous was the attempt to lay out these principals to the legal profession. The proposition that attorneys will read this and change the way they do business was very intriguing to me and contradictory to what every legal bone in my body tells me after 20 years. In fact, there is about as much chance of that as there is any validity to my untested theory that I can go backwards in time by putting my auto up on cylinder blocks and going in reverse at full speed…
It is a time tested and well accepted position that 98 percent of attorneys don’t give a shit about who can get ahold of them and for the most part actually go to great lengths to keep people from getting a hold of them unless of course the person is calling about their unpaid bill or the call will generate a substantial billable rate. If the call will not generate a fee you have as much chance of talking to the attorney as Johnny Cochrane rising from the dead. Client goodwill is something only mused about in terms of what you could have done after the client has told you to F*** off and/or files a grievance with the State Bar. Not that you will learn anything when you send the next client’s call to voicemail.
The golden rule from what I have seen is that a client is just a means to an end with no form substance or history unless a payment is late or a trial is about to start…. Other than that all phone calls are unnecessary time wasting annoyances. Client service is for sales people. We attorneys are not sales people, we are highly educated and skilled professionals who are above client service small talk. You come to us for results, dog us when we dont get them and forget about us after we come through. Doesn’t this justify the fact that I don’t give a shit about you the client? Right? Of course right!
I know solo and small firm attorney’s who have taken so many cases beyond their ability to provide client service that the only way you will get ahold of them is to impersonate a judge or an investigator from the State Bar of Texas. In my 20 years, there have been 4 times where I looked at a practice and predicted that an attorney would be sanctioned by the State Bar in some form within a few years. I was right each time. It was not rocket science In each case, the attorney absolutely did not give a shit about any of his clients other than getting a check. They avoided client calls, didn’t return calls, full voicemail’s etc etc. The if was easy. It was only a question of when…..
Lawyers at large firms often dont give a shit about their client any more than small or solo firms but they are able to do better damage control because they have people they pay to give a shit and to tell them when their not giving a shit is about to cost them money such as more work from the client or the referral of a new client.
Small firm and solo attorneys lose out the worst because they they don’t give a shit to the same extent as big firm attorneys but they generally do not have any “I dont give a shit” damage control procedures in place. They therefore dont find out that the “I dont give a shit” philospohpy has cost them until they are fired. They also get hit with the double “I dont give a shit” whammy when they are fired and the client bad mouths them. Obviously referrals are not forthcoming from pissed off clients….
Large firms generally have enough “I don’t give shit” buffers in place that the client may never realize that his/her attorney does not give a shit.
In my experience, do you know what the solo and small firm response to this problem is? You guessed it….
“I dont give a shit”
Are there excellent kick-ass client service oriented attorneys out there at small firms and large? Of course there are. I know many. There are however also a ton of attorneys out there. In my experience the “I dont give shits” far outnumber the “kick ass” and they are not reading legal marketing blogs… Why? You guessed it!
THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT!
THE END………..
